28 Cannon Blasts
by vanillathunder215
Summary: 28 meme thing from LJ centered completely on everyone's favorite grumpy, trigger-happy weapon specialist-turned-pick up truck Ironhide. rated T to give myself wiggle room.
1. Naughty

**Naughty**

**Fore note and disclaimer: All unfamiliar names are my OCs from another one of my fics that is still in the development stage and will be posted…sometime in the near or distant future. I unfortunately don't own Transformers. I don't know why I have to state that obvious fact… This disclaimer/fore note will persist for all chapters so I don't have to bother my lazy self to type it out again.**

**********

At a mere 2 vorns old, Ironhide had become the terror of the Autobot base in Iacon. Though walking was still a little uncertain, he could crawl all day long at an alarming speed. That, paired with his curiosity and fearlessness, made for what everyone learned was a really bad combination. He had sent more than mech into near stasis lock by spontaneously disappearing while under their watch. More than once his guardian, Kup, had been called off duty to search for his wayward charge, only to pull him out of air ducts, random closets, out of supply containers, from under furniture or computer equipment, occasionally another mech's private quarters, twice from the medbay of all places and once was brought back by none other than Sentinel Prime himself after the mechling had found his way to the Autobot commander's office.

But as nerve wracking as it was, a sparkling will be a sparkling and they all couldn't help but smile whenever the black youngling scooted by, usually trailed (chased) by Kup or another mech who was supposed to be watching him. He was all innocence, despite his short dubious past, something that wouldn't last long if the war escalated like everyone knew it would.

However there was one habit that Ironhide had developed that was of particular concern to everyone; an obsession for chewing on things. The teething itself wasn't a problem, all sparklings did that to figure out what things were, but Ironhide had decided that he liked chewing on wires in particular. Kup supposed it was because the wires were softer and, being as flexible as they were, were fun to play with as the sparkling gnawed on them. That they were small enough to perfectly fit into a small mouth was just another strike. Unfortunately, the black mechling had no idea just how dangerous it was to chew on wires and Kup was positive he was going to find the sparkling lying on the floor one orn, twitching from a massive electrical shock, something that made his spark seize with fear.

To prevent such an accident, Kup rounded up as many mechs as he could and they went through the entire base and either wrapped exposed wires in a special metal casing in hopes of discouraging Ironhide from chewing them or moved furniture in front of them to where even the tiny sparkling couldn't squeeze through to get to them. Unfortunately, they couldn't get to all the wires in the base, so Kup made sure that everyone knew to keep an eye on Ironhide whenever he was in their care and to take all wires away from him should he manage to find one. To keep the sparkling happy, and to keep their audios in one piece, Kup found toys that Ironhide could chew on.

For the most part the plan worked. Being a youngling and prone to trouble, Ironhide managed to find several wires that the adults missed but he was quickly pulled away by vigilant guardians and the wires were either wrapped or hidden. Several orns went by without any wire incidents and without the black mechling getting zapped, allowing several mech's air vents to cycle a relieved flush of air and stress levels to plummet. Kup was finally able to more or less fall into recharge easily and didn't worry so much about a zapped sparkling giving him a spark attack. But, in their relief, they forgot the cardinal rule; sparklings were ALWAYS finding trouble.

Kup had just gotten off duty and had retrieved his charge when he received a comm. from Download, the Autobase's security director.

"**Sorry to bother you, Kup, but I got something here you probably want to take a look at." **Download said.

"**Can you get Alpha Trion?" **Kup asked,** "I have Ironhide with me."**

"**He's in a meeting with the High Council…you know how that goes." **Download groaned, **"You can bring Ironhide. This won't take long."**

"**Alright, I'll be there in a klik." **Kup sighed and glanced down at the sparkling in his arms, "All right, you, we're gonna go see Download. Behave yourself in there, ok?"

Ironhide chirped but otherwise gave no indication that he WOULD behave. Kup sighed again. He wasn't going to get a better answer than that. He wished he hadn't relieved the mech who had been watching him a moment ago. Couldn't be helped now though.

Carefully, Kup punched in an access code and walked through the door to the security room. Ironhide was practically vibrating with excitement in his arms. He was strictly forbidden to enter the security room without Kup specifically and it was easy to see why. The room was filled with glowing, blinking, humming, beeping and otherwise very interesting looking equipment. There were buttons, levers, slots, and thousands of other things that were just begging to be touched. It was practically a sparkling playground in there. Desperate to go see, Ironhide squirmed in his guardian's arms, whining plaintively.

"Alright, I'll put you down, but NO TOUCHING!" Kup told his charge sternly; making sure Ironhide was looking at him, "Hands to yourself."

Making sure the door was securely closed, though he was sure Ironhide would stay in the room, he placed the sparkling on the ground and turned half his attention to Download, who watched the exchange in quiet amusement. Curious as ever, Ironhide immediately scrambled off, a blinking monitor catching his attention. Kup continued to keep one eye on his charge, making sure the youngling didn't mess with anything, as he continued his conversation. However, Download turned and motioned to yet another monitor, pulling several images up. Immediately, Kup turned his full attention to the screen, unaware that Ironhide had suddenly lost interest in the blinking lights and had chosen that moment to crawl into the small space beneath a control console.

The room's lights didn't reach under the console but the soft glow from various pieces of machinery allowed Ironhide to see where he was going. He crawled around a bit, not finding anything particularly interesting, until he suddenly found himself behind the console in the small space between it and the wall. Looking around, he let out a happy trill when he noticed that he was sitting surrounded by wires, none of which were covered. He happily pounced into the tangled pile and grabbed the first wire he touched, shoving it into his mouth, and began to gnaw on it, making contented little grunting noises.

"I don't think this would be considered a high threat, but we should definitely keep an eye on this. I'll let Alpha Trion know, thanks Download." Kup said, finally breaking away from the screen, "Alright, Ironhide, time to…ah, slag. Ok, where did you go?"

At that moment, there was a series of pops, a loud SNAP! And a BANG! Followed by a yelp and then the room went dark. There were several more distinctly electrical snaps and pops and one last BANG! And the monitors went dark and silent. Several roars of surprise and outrage from the hall suggested that the power was out there as well.

There a moment of silence as Kup and Download turned their headlights on. Then the realization of what had just happened hit Kup, making his fuel tank twist uncomfortably. He then remembered that the security room was one of the few places they had not gone through with wire wraps since Ironhide normally wasn't allowed in there. He put the two and two together and, with growing dread making his spark tremble, practically began tossing surveillance equipment aside. Download normally would have deactivated any mech for even THINKING about touching his equipment like that but he had come to the same conclusion as Kup and found himself right alongside the frantic mech, calling desperately to the sparkling. But there was no answer, not even a click, which only served to scare the two mechs even more.

Finally, they found him. He had been knocked backwards by the force of the shock and was now sitting on his aft, little currents of electricity still running over his body, still a little jerky, but somehow, miraculously, seemed to be unharmed otherwise. The very sorry looking Ironhide looked up at Kup with big optics that clearly said, "Oops."

The Autobot CMO, Welder, comm'ed Kup with his usual impeccable timing, **"Lemme guess…Ironhide found the one wire we missed."**

"**More or less…yeah. He looks fine though."**

"**That's lucky considering how big a shock he must have gotten."**

"**What?"**

"**I think this marks the end of him ever chewing on wires again."** Welder chuckled, **"He shorted out half of Iacon."**

~END~

A/N: See, 'Hide??? That is why they told you to NOT chew on those wires! XD I had so much fun writing this…and not just because it's the first thing I've been able to write in MONTHS (freaking muses took the summer off). But I really like this one. Sparkling Ironhide amuses me to no end.


	2. Dancing

**Theme #10 - Dancing**

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Your turn, Sam; truth or dare?"

A small part of Sam's brain screamed that playing the world's most infamous game of Truth of Dare with giant alien robots, especially with those with a well earned reputation for being pranksters, was not only a bad idea, but a potentially painful one. However, the rest of his brain quickly over-ruled that one small section labeled "common sense" in a rush of teenage impulsiveness. That and Sideswipe had called Sam a chicken for initially refusing to play and Sam, his male pride wounded, was out to prove him wrong.

Which immediately increased the "potentially painful" risk of the game greatly.

"Dare!"

Make that "exponentially" greater.

Metal face components and species difference aside, there was no mistaking the evil grin that spread across Sideswipe's face as he rubbed his hands together in wicked delight. Arcee groaned, knowing that face all-too-well. Jolt shifted his weight uneasily from one foot to the other, not as familiar with Sideswipe and his pranks as the others, but even he knew that Sam was in for it. As with Arcee, Bumblebee was more familiar with that look and, torn between amusement and growing alarm, settled for giving the silver corvette a warning buzz.

"Right, fleshy, you asked for it!" Sideswipe said happily, "But, given several circumstances, you being small and squishy being one and Bumblebee told me so being another, I'm gonna go easy on you. Your dare, as ridiculous as it may sound, actually goes back a long time. No one has been able to get Ironhide to do this, so let's see if you can."

A flicker of dread started to burn in the pit of Sam's belly at the mention of Ironhide's name. It no longer mattered what the dare was, there was no way it was going to end well for anyone involved, whether it was successfully carried out or not, especially for him.

"Get Ironhide to dance."

"Excuse me?" Sam was positive that his jaw was somewhere around his knees, " Did I hear you right? 'Get Ironhide to dance'? Ironhide?! As in trigger-happy, grumpy-as-hell, piss-me-off-and-you're-dead Ironhide?"

"The one and only." Sideswipe said cheerfully, "Thank Primus for that though…one is bad enough!"

"He'd sooner step on me!" Sam wailed, "He'll throw me out into the firing range and use me for target practice! With LIVE ammo! How the heck am I supposed to get him to DANCE?!"

"That's your problem." Sideswipe said, never losing his cheerful tone, "Just don't forget to get it ALL on video. Unless, of course, you're too SCARED to do it…"

Sam opened and closed his mouth several times like a fish out of water, but no sound came out. Inwardly he cursed peer pressure and his inability to resist it. Finally, he shut his mouth and gulped loudly.

"Fine…I'll do it." Sam mumbled, images of various rather painful ways to die at Ironhide's hands flashing through his mind.

"Great! Just remember…the WHOLE thing…on video." With that, Sideswipe walked off, waving over his shoulder. Arcee gave Sam an apologetic look before she too left, a rather nervous Jolt quick on her heels, leaving Sam alone with his guardian.

"What am I gonna DO?" Sam moaned, sinking to the floor, his head in his hands, "Why, WHY, did I agree to play Truth or Dare with Sideswipe? How the hell am I going to get Ironhide to…dance?"

Bumblebee was silent while Sam continued to bemoan his fate, his optics slightly distant as he mulled over how to best help his young charge. Since he was playing as well, he couldn't outright help Sam but he could at least "suggest an idea or six". Technically it wouldn't be breaking any rules and Bumblebee knew Sideswipe well enough to know that he didn't really care if outside help had been included, just as long as the dare got done. Suddenly, he brightened as an idea came to him, his doorwings fluttering a little in excitement. The theme song to "ER" echoed from his speakers suddenly.

"Honestly, I can't imagine Ironhide, of all Autobots, dancing." Sam went on, not noticing the clue Bumblebee was trying to give him in the form of music, "That's like going to math class without cringing or something equally impossible. It's just beyond impossible. There's no way I'm going to be able to do this without losing my limbs and why are you playing the song from "ER"?"

Bumblebee opted to let Sam's brain sort it out for itself while he wondered why going to math class with its shockingly easy problems and equations that a sparkling could figure out was such a big deal. His pondering was cut short as the metaphorical light bulb suddenly went off above Sam's head, fortunately before the yellow camero had to replay the song for a third time. A grin slowly stretched across Sam's face as a plan began to unfold in his head.

"Bumblebee." Sam said, goofy grin firmly in place, "You are a genius."

~*~*~*~*~*~

"You need my help to do what?"

"Oh come on, Ratchet, please?" Sam pleaded, "Help a human out?"

Ratchet stared at the young human, his bomb shelled expression priceless as his processor struggled to fully comprehend what he thought he heard. Did he really just hear the words "Ironhide" and "dance" in the same sentence? Not just in the same sentence but with relevancy towards each other? No…he couldn't have. His audios must be malfunctioning...unless…

"You want me to help in one of Sideswipe's stupid pranks?"

"It's…well, it's a dare, actually." Sam said, shuffling his feet, "Sideswipe dared me to get Ironhide to dance and Bee and I figured that if anyone in the world could help with that, you could."

There were those two words again and, again, in the same sentence. As CPU boggling as it was, Ratchet knew that his audios had not been deceiving him. Sam was actually going to attempt to get Ironhide to…to dance. No, correction; Sam was attempting to get HIM to get Ironhide to…slag it, he was still having trouble reconciling those two words together. However, the devious part of Ratchet's spark was roaring its approval. He couldn't deny that it would be hilarious to see the old cannon…dance.

"Say that I do help." Ratchet said slowly, "What's in it for me?"

"Uhh…a copy of the video?"

"It's a start." Ratchet shrugged, "Tell you what; if you keep those fragging younger twins out of my medbay for a week and throw in a few cubes of the high grade I know Sideswipe has hidden in his quarters, I'll help you out."

"Hard bargain."

"You forget." Ratchet growled, "This is IRONHIDE we're talking about here. If he gets so much as a hint of this, it's blown before it even starts."

"You're not…"

"Of course I'm not going to tell him!" Ratchet snapped, "But 'Hide isn't an idiot, though he might act like he has his head up his aft ninety percent of the time. He'll figure out pretty quick who was behind it and probably before you have the chance to get far, far away."

"Ok, we have a deal." Sam said quickly, his previous thoughts of painful deaths resurfacing.

"Good. We can use the medbay to alleviate any suspicion. All I have to do is call Ironhide in and theoretically he'll show. Cross your fingers he isn't in a stubborn mood. Just let me know when you're ready and I'll comm. him." Ratchet said, his plan of attack rapidly solidifying.

It didn't take Sam very long to get everything set up. Since Ratchet was taking over the hard part all he needed to do was find a spot to set up a video camera where Ironhide wouldn't see it and blow it up while still maintaining an unobstructed view of the whole medbay. Sam had no idea what the medic had planned, but whatever it was, he fervently hoped that Ratchet could hold the vengeful black mech's attention long enough for him to escape with his health and body intact afterwards.

Feeling very nervous, Sam looked over at Ratchet and nodded with a gulp, feeling butterflies throw a party in his stomach. The party increased in intensity as Sam watched Ratchet tilt his head slightly to the left, indicating he was talking via comm. link, a smirk twitching the corners of the CMO's mouth components. A moment later, Ratchet gave him a nod to signal that everything was now in motion and signaled Sam to go hide, which he did very willingly.

It wasn't long before he felt rather than heard heavy footfalls coming towards the medbay. Poor Sam felt sweat break out on his forehead and his heart give an extra pound with every vibrating step. At that moment he wasn't sure which he would prefer; an insane Megatron with his fusion cannon aimed right between his eyes or a raging Ironhide with BOTH cannons primed and aimed right between his eyes.

The medbay doors opened to admit the hulking black mech, who had a decidedly puzzled look on his face.

"Ok, you can quit the incessant texts already!" He rumbled, "Cool your slagging circuits, Ratch. What the frag is the problem?"

"Why didn't you show up for those scans yesterday?" Ratchet demanded, somehow able to keep a straight face…or scowl, "I sent out a comm. for ALL Autobots to report to the medbay for a scan. Did you show up? NO!"

"What…what comm.?" Ironhide asked, his processor scrambling, "What scan? I never got a comm.!"

"What do you mean 'you never got the comm'?!" Ratchet exploded, spinning on the astonished black mech, "I sent SEVERAL out so processors like your two-bit trash can could actually PROCESS it!"

"What the frag?" Ironhide shouted back, looking increasingly bewildered and slightly nervous, "I never GOT a comm., from ANYONE!"

"THAT'S NO EXCUSE!!" Ratchet punctuated the end of his tirade with a flying wrench, which Ironhide ducked with practiced ease. The wrench was quickly followed by a spanner, then another wrench, screw driver, tubing…pretty much whatever Ratchet could get his hands on until the air was thick with flying tools and equipment, all of which Ironhide managed to avoid.

Which had been Ratchet's intention all along. Ironhide was unwittingly playing along to his plan beautifully, taking the bait like a sparkling with an energon goodie. Though he managed to keep the snarl on his face as he shouted various curses at the black mech, it was taking every ounce of willpower Ratchet had to keep from falling to the floor in hysterical laughter. Oh, he couldn't wait to see that video! It was going to be well worth whatever hell Ironhide put them through later.

Sam couldn't believe it. He had thought it utterly impossible, but here it was playing out before his astonished eyes. Ratchet was playing Ironhide like a puppet, only with wrenches instead of strings. He had Ironhide spinning, ducking, dodging, rolling and jumping in such a way that it looked as if the black mech really WAS dancing.

And, Sam silent admitted to himself, for a 4 ton giant metal robot covered with heavy armored plates with cannons a quarter of his weight mounted on his arms…he was pretty damn graceful. But, as graceful as he may have been, it was still utterly ridiculous to see the massive mech dance around like that, once even spinning all the way around on one foot, that Sam suddenly found himself shoving his fist into his mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

Ratchet finally started to run out of tools and Ironhide took full advantage of the brief pause to flee the medbay and the "enraged" medic with his apocalyptic hailstorm of tools. His rapidly retreating footsteps had barely faded before the remaining mech and the hidden human finally erupted into howls of laughter that left them both rolling on the floor.

~*~*~*~*~*~

It had been a week since the premier of Ironhide's new found "talent" had been released to the entire base, including an opening night showing in the communications hanger on the main screen. True to Ratchet's predictions, it had taken Ironhide about two seconds to figure out who had been behind it (aside from Ratchet's obvious assistance) but by then, Sam and Bumblebee had put as much distance between them and the enraged Topkick as they could without leaving the planet. Bummer though it was to have to avoid the base for obvious safety reasons, Sideswipe helped make it far more bearable by sending them the picture he had taken of Ironhide's horrified expression when he had walked in on the end of the mass showing.

According to the silver corvette, no one was sure if they would be able to fully repair the wholesale destruction Ironhide had wrought on the firing range. It didn't help that the soldiers on base had taken to calling Ironhide "Twinkle Toes", which resulted in a huge crater appearing in the middle of the already smoking range.

But in that week Ironhide had calmed down to a degree where he wouldn't shoot Sam on sight…or least without a proper warning. Still, Sam didn't dare venture back until Ironhide had gone out on patrol, making it safe for at least the rest of the afternoon.

Their small group hadn't been able to celebrate Sam's new hero status for very long when a familiar shadow fell over them.

They at least had the dignity to stand in slightly abashed silence before the Autobot commander who held up a copy of Ironhide's "performance".

"I have no problem with you younglings playing Truth or Dare…but let's leave out the dares that end with total destruction of the firing range, even if the same dare puts our CMO in a good mood for several weeks." Optimus said, making sure all of them nodded their understanding. Then he paused, considering the tape in his hand.

"I have to admit one thing." He said, with small laugh that was quickly disguised as a snort, "Altering it so that the copies have 'Hide in a tutu was pure genius."

~END~

A/N: Ah Truth or Dare…love it up until you get THAT dare. XDD Like Sam, I simply couldn't visualize Ironhide dancing in the way my mind kept conjuring. I blame my insomnia for that… and for the tutu thing. I probably should go hide now…~runs for dear life~

I apologize for the lengthy amount of time between updates, but between a persisting writer's block, college, work, the horses and the uncooperative weather which needs to behave so I can actually WORK at work (swim lessons) I have had no time to write and even less brain power to actually come up with something. Don't think that I'm giving up or anything, but just bear in mind; writer is a sleep deprived, over-worked and completely insane college student.

Please, please, PLEASE let me know what you think, how I'm doing, what could be better, mistakes I made, questions, comments, concerns, the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow be it African or European via review. I really want to know…it will make future chapters much better if I know I'm heading in the right or wrong direction.

Thank you SOOOOOOOOO so so so much to;

Favorites – BiloxiBlueberry, Faecat, hummergrey, Ironhide's Mechanic, Lady Avarice, Madam President, Natasha Crane, SparkyTheJedi and x-Hemi-x

Alerts – BiloxiBlueberry, cai-ann, Dejia, Faecat, Fields-of-Heather, hummergrey, Lady Avarice and Onyx17

And Reviews – cai-ann, hummergrey, Fields-of-Heather, Lady Avarice, Ironhide's Mechanic and DracinaStormsailor

Seriously, I really appreciate the feedback and support. There's a saying that "an artist is never fully happy with their work" which I agree with 100%. I'm a little self-conscious about posting, be it my writings or my art. Getting such positive feedback from y'all allows me to want to continue. Love y'all!!! ~glomps~

-Vanillathunder215


	3. Caring

**Caring**

The war, which had died down to simmer for several vorns, suddenly flared back up again. While it was no less destructive, no less energon-soaked, it did not take the Autobots by surprise this time. The Decepticons came charging in to find determined forces waiting for them instead of a defenseless city filled with panicking civilians. Not to say that everyone managed to escape unscathed. There were injuries and casualties…too many of both. But not all scars come from bullets and not all war victims are caught in firefights.

It was the most perplexing thing, something that no one saw coming, especially from the tiny sparkling who had been able to bounce back from other rather nasty situations with no lasting effects. But for some reason that no one understood, the rekindling of the war suddenly became too much for the black mechling. Maybe it was the near constant booms and pops of gun fire and heavy artillery in the distance, the almost palpable rise in tension on base, or the occasional screams and shouts from the medbay. Maybe it was simply the fear that always managed to seep into one's wiring with the knowledge of a war going on. Young as he was, he still understood that there was something bad going on, still felt the tension in his guardian's arms no matter how much he tried to soothe him. But whatever it was, the sparkling just couldn't take it anymore.

Ironhide suddenly and inexplicably went mute.

His guardian, Kup, was at a complete loss. One day his charge was babbling happily in the adorable, but almost indecipherable, language of younglings and the next he refused to even utter a click. Nothing he, or anybot else, could do would make a difference. Ironhide would stare at them, but never a sound did he make. Not even Ratchet and Redblaze, the other two sparklings, could make a difference.

Welder, the Autobot CMO, couldn't find any physical reason to explain the sudden loss of speech, finally saying that the reason was purely psychological and may or may not be permanent. This did very little to calm Kup's anxiety. If Ironhide wouldn't respond to him, his guardian, or to Ratchet and Redblaze, who were his best friends and as close as brothers, what could possibly help? But even though there was nothing he could physically do, that didn't mean Welder wasn't going to do everything in his power to try and help.

XxXxXx

Ironhide stood on the beach, away from Diego Garcia's base, staring out over the ocean, but not seeing any of it. His processor still buzzed, unable to settle down from the battle in Egypt. It had been close, too close. They almost…no, HAD lost Optimus. Then they lost both Optimus AND Sam for several terrifying minutes. Never in Ironhide's whole life had he wanted to just lie down and give up. It had been bad enough losing Optimus…but with Sam alive and on the run, he had had something to fight for, to keep his processor focused. When he had seen both their broken bodies lying in the sand? The grief and despair had been crippling.

But they were alive. Why didn't he feel relieved? Shouldn't he have felt SOME of the pressure lift from his spark? Why was his processor literally flooding him with images of war? Images of blood and energon soaked battlefields, of broken bodies, both human and Cybertronian, of destroyed cities? So many dead, so many wounded, so many lost…Ironhide shuddered as his engine hitched, a disturbingly familiar sense of despair overwhelming him. It was never ending…it was too much…too much…

"Ironhide?"

The black mech didn't respond as Ratchet came up next to him. He couldn't summon the desire to activate his vocalizer.

Ratchet instantly recognized that look, having seen it for so long all those vorns ago. It was the same look that Ironhide had when he refused to talk, a silence he had maintained for several vorns. He knew that whatever was bothering his old friend, he wasn't about to express it in words. He knew, also, that trying to get him to talk would only make it worse. But Ratchet had learned long ago how to deal with this. When Welder had been unable to fix the problem he had come up with a way to, literally, respond to it instead.

Sign language among Cybertronians wasn't very common since most of those that couldn't communicate verbally could use their internal radio communicator systems. But in the case of those who hadn't had it installed - sparklings and younglings for instance - another form was needed. And so the three sparklings had learned to communicate without words. Even after Ironhide finally broke his silence they continued to use it, though mostly for the familiarity and for the comfort that came with it.

Two fingers tapped Ironhide on his elbow joint, signaling for his attention. Easily slipping back into sparklinghood habits, he turned to face Ratchet. 'Tell me?' chartreuse hands signed.

Time had done nothing to erase vorns of communicating exclusively with his hands. The precise intricate movements came easier to him than words and made far more sense than anything he could have spoken out loud.

Ratchet knew. As words flowed from the black mech's hands, he "heard" far more than what was being conveyed. It was more than just stress from this recent battle, though that was bad enough on it's own. He "heard" the echoes of homesickness, the resignation that they would never see Cybertron again. There was frustration, of this new planet and its inhabitants, of simply trying to understand it. There was anxiety too, for there were still many Autobots unaccounted for and they hadn't heard anything about Redblaze.

The medic saw it all and understood. But he stayed there and let Ironhide "talk" himself out, because Ratchet cared far too much for his friend to let him tough it out on his own.

***END***

A/N: ~hides behind truck~ don't shoot me please! I'm sorry I took so long. It was the usual blocks; school, work, horses, writer's block and evil bunnies. Good news is that I have most of the prompts half finished so they SHOULD start coming out fairly quickly now ~glares at plot bunnies~ you hear that???

Anyway, please lemme know what ya think! I was kinda iffy on this one but the insistence of my partner in crime, DracinaStormsailor, convinced me that it was "great" (her words, not mine) so I went with it. Another sparkling! Hide story. Next one will be Ironhide all grown up.

Thank you SOOOOOOOOO so so so much to;

Favorites – 13IsTaLkThEaKaTsUkI13, ApolloPheonixTear, BiloxiBlueberry, CoalTreasure, DracinaStormsailor, Faecat, hummergrey, Ironhide's Mechanic, Lady Avarice, Madam President, MadamBlu, Natasha Crane, SparkyTheJedi, Telemachus Claudius Rhade, tenken22 and x-Hemi-x

Alerts – 'HURRICANE'Hannah, BiloxiBlueberry, cai-ann, CoalTreasure, Dejia, Faecat, Fields-of-Heather, hummergrey, Lady Avarice and Onyx17

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Seriously, I can't express my gratitude enough to those who take the time to leave reviews. I love ya guys!

Special thanks goes to DracinaStormsailor and Bloutjie. I wouldn't have been able to find my wayward plot bunnies without ya!


	4. Silly

Silly

XxXxXx

Looking out over the practice field Lennox couldn't help but get a nagging feeling that something was up. Not a bad something…more like the premonition of amused dread that came before a twin prank.

The field itself did not reveal anything greatly out of the ordinary. Drones all over the field as "soldiers" with a big "Con Boss", as everyone referred to the big battle drone, at the very back. The drones were of a new design; disguised as everyday items, for instance a trashcan, they would perform a simple transformation and pop out when a human or mech drew near and open fire. The drones' ammunition was simple paint balls, orange today, that could easily be seen on those who took "damage" without inflicting real damage. The NEST team had white paintballs. Simple, normal setting…unless one counted the sheer number of the drones. There had to be at least a hundred of the damn things clustered all over the field.

Lennox shook his head. He was being paranoid. Mudflap and Skids were below him with the rest of the NEST squad. Though they had pulled a few elaborate pranks, he didn't credit them with the intelligence or the subtly to pull one while surrounded by the other mechs…nor did he think they were THAT stupid to either.

"Getting old and paranoid." Lennox muttered to himself.

"Paranoid, sure, but less of the old shit." Lennox turned to see Epps and Optimus Prime join him on the hill, " 'Specially since I'm a year older than you. Old my ass…"

"Old man." Lennox teased, "Least you aren't as old as Ironhide. I just got a feeling that a prank is in the works."

"Let us hope not." Prime said, almost like he was convincing himself to hope for that, "The twins are still working off their last prank, Sideswipe and Jolt are still too afraid to pull a prank after gluing Ratchet's tools to the ceiling and I don't sense the others in the mood for a revenge prank."

Epps and Lennox shared a chuckle over Sideswipe and Jolt's misery. Pranking Ratchet was one thing, and often commended when successful, but having an enraged CMO coming after you with all the fury of pit was hilarious to everyone but the panicked unfortunates. It was totally understandable that Sideswipe and Jolt were still too afraid to try again after the beating they took from the Hatchet's wrench.

"Well, we can only hope." Epps shrugged, "I mean, it's a friggen exercise. What can they do?"

"I cannot believe you just said that…"

"Ok listen up!" Graham paced in front of the suddenly attentive group of humans and mechs, "We've had trouble with the drones in the past but I really would like to work on our one on one combat skills with the Con Boss. Does anyone need to practice with these guys or can we bypass them for now?"

"I think Ironhide said something about needing the practice." Ratchet offered.

Lennox blinked. Something about the exchange was ringing as familiar in his mind. But it was also strange…very strange. Ironhide was the most experienced fighter of the entire base. Why would he want the practice?

The major glanced over at the black mech. Ironhide's good optic had a distinct glazed over look to it, dimmed slightly. Lennox blinked again. Ironhide, the one most eager of them all to fight under any circumstance, the one who looked for any excuse to just blow something up, the one who demanded attentiveness out of all the soldiers, was not paying attention? Oh yeah…something was up.

"Christ…" Graham sighed, "Alright then, uh, Sideswipe and Jolt will go in and gather up a few groups of drones since they're fast enough to avoid fire. Go opposite directions to scatter then a bit so we don't have concentrated fire in one spot. If they start to break off and regroup, Arcee, try to scatter them again. We don't want to have to take down a whole group in case the mob returns fire on us at once. Uh, everyone is going to need to go in hot because we'll get in trouble if we don't take these things down quick enough. I think that's a pretty good idea, we'll get this done quick enough and be able to repeat with the remaining groups. Let's see, Ratchet can you give us a number crunch?"

"I'm coming up with a thirty-two point three three, repeating of course, percent chance of survival."

"What's up with the ace of hearts?" Epps muttered to Lennox.

"The what?"

"Graham, Ratchet and Ironhide got an ace of hearts on them."

Lennox glanced at them and sure enough, the three had an ace of heart on them. Graham had his tucked into his vest front pocket and the two mechs had theirs held on under a corner of armor on their chests, but still highly visible. Suddenly, things started falling into place. The multitude of drones, the heart, the pep talk, Ironhide, the plan…it all made sense now. "Oh no…"

"Well, that's a lot better than we usually go in with." Graham said, "Think we're ready…"

Ironhide's optics brightened suddenly and his cannons came online abruptly, whining as they powered on. An all too familiar recording echoed loud and clear across the field.

"Alright chums, I'm back. Let's go this. LEROOOOOOOOOY JEEENKIIIIINSSS!"

Ironhide charged in, totally heedless of Graham's carefully made plans. Drones began popping out left and right, firing orange paint balls everywhere.

It was silent for 1.2 seconds.

"…Oh primus he just ran in."

"Go GO! Stick to the plan! Oh slag…" Graham ran after them.

"Oh slag…oh frag!"

It was total chaos as Ratchet and Graham flew after Ironhide, the rest of the bewildered NEST squad scrambling to follow, desperately trying to regain some sense of order as paintballs flew wildly from both sides. Drone group after drone group popped up until all the groups were running around free. Epps doubled over, roaring with laughter. Optimus slapped a hand to his face in classic face palm. This could NOT be happening!

"What the PIT?"

"Get this one off me!"

"I can't! I got too many shots! I'm out!"

"Oh slaggit!"

"Scatter them!"

"I got this, I got this! We got 'em!"

"Primus damn it all, Ironhide!"

"Oh my God…"

Mechs and humans came crawling out of the fray, covered head to toe in orange paint, yelling and cursing. White paint littered the ground but hardly any of the drones carried any evidence of "damage". As the last of the soldiers staggered miserably out, the drones began to curl back into their disguises.

"Primus dammit Ironhide!"

"That was ridiculous."

"Why do you do that slag, Ironhide?"

"Not my fault!"

"Is there anyone left out there? Are we all down?"

"Yeah, we're all down."

"Oh God." Graham sighed, seeing everyone over in the "dead" section.

"For primus' sake…" This from Ratchet who slapped Ironhide upside the head, "Ironhide you're just stupid as pit, you know that?"

Ironhide's next words not only stemmed the tirade building against him but broke the ruse as everyone fell over laughing, sending Lennox rolling on the ground next to Epps. Optimus simply groaned at his supposedly superbly trained warriors.

"Least I got cannons."

XxXxXx

A/N: I had to. I simply had to. This is to all my fellow WoW-heads out there! For those who are addicted to World of Warcraft (and have this achievement). For those who are going "eh?" I urge you to go watch the Leroy Jenkins movie on YouTube. Even if you don't play the game, it's still utterly hilarious. The ace of hearts was supposed to mimic the guild tabards btw. Ironhide Jenkins!


	5. Turned On

Turned On

A/N: this is NOT a human/mech fic. Mech/mech is ok with me but I've never really been able to consolidate a human/mech thing in my mind. Squishies with metal…car crashes come to mind. Plus I planned on making this whole series rather tame (for me anyway. Ya want smoking I got other stuff.)

XxXxXx

Humans do the strangest things.

It had become the newest maxim among the Autobots, especially when sharing tales about their human partners. After all, how else could one explain off eating strange foods that had no nutritional value purely for the enjoyment of it, or the seeming compulsive buying of shoes or clothes when they already had a perfectly good set or, most processor boggling, the sudden inexplicable playing of an "air guitar".

Quirks, Ironhide heard more than once, the peculiarities of human behavior. They were, all at once, endearing and maddening. They were what made all the billions of humans so unique from one another. Billions and billions of eccentric habits, each human possessing hundreds of them at once.

It drove Ironhide crazy.

It wasn't that Cybertronians didn't possess quirks. They did, of course, but they were vastly different from that of the humans though a few Autobots had picked up some more human-like habits. No Cybertronian had ever pretended to do skateboard tricks with their fingers on a pencil until Sam's strange friend Miles had shown Bumblebee and Sideswipe. Primus forbid, he didn't even want to go into the air guitar incident. Optimus had originally thought HE had done something to crack the concrete hangar floor. If he HAD done it, it would have been a slagging crater, not a crack!

But he considered himself rather lucky. The Lennox family was rather normal, their weird behavior at a minimum. Granted, Annabelle did odd things from time to time but she was just a sparkling. She had a permit to act weird. The two adults were normal enough though, making it easier for him to get used to human habits without risking a Prowl-like processor meltdown. So he settled down and slowly settled in with this family, doing what he could, when he could.

That being said, he didn't mind taking Sarah places. She didn't chatter needlessly for the sake of noise and, when they did talk, it was meaningful and deliberate. She didn't try to take over driving, letting her hands rest lightly on the steering wheel, and she did her best to keep Annabelle from making too much of a mess in his interior. It was a pleasant break from military activity, giving him a taste of normalcy that he hadn't had in eons.

Except for one thing.

Thanks to the Autobots' taking over the responsibility of driving, the humans no longer had to keep their full attention on the road. As a result, their attention sometimes wandered. Sarah was no exception. While that in itself was of no great concern, she suddenly gained the inability to keep her hands still. Usually her fingers would rub the steering wheel or her thumb over the Autobot insignia on the center of the steering wheel. Ironhide had the ability to lower his sensory net throughout his exterior frame to keep from feeling pain in the midst of battle, allowing him to take even more amounts of damage and still fight, but the interior of his alt mode was part of a different sensor relay that he couldn't control. He felt her fingers on his steering wheel. Fortunately it wasn't enough to bother him and he usually just ignored it.

One sultry summer day, he was taking her on yet another errand. Annabelle was left to enjoy some rare alone time with her father so it just the two of them traveling along the country road into town. Ironhide enjoyed the warmth of the summer sun on his plating. The wind against his frame as he went along cooled him off just enough to keep from being too warm. Sarah relaxed against him, quiet and calm, her mind on something else. The black mech kicked on cruise control, feeling decidedly lazy. He was feeling far more relaxed than he had in a while.

Then Sarah's fingers started moving as if they had a mind of their own. One hand draped over the wheel rubbed at the stitching in the fake leather while the other slid down slightly to the gearshift next to the wheel, to the tow button on the end. He really didn't need it, he could lock his torque himself if he absolutely needed to if he hauled anything for the humans, but it was there in accordance with his perfect disguise.

She had never messed with it before. In fact, he wasn't really used to being touched anywhere BUT the steering wheel. They never even messed with the buttons of the radio, simply asking him to change it knowing his aversion to them messing with buttons too much. But now her fingers were slowly circling the small button, her fingernail gently scraping against him.

Oh PRIMUS! He thought, suppressing a shudder. No, this can't be happening.

Sarah, totally unaware, kept circling her finger, occasionally running her thumb down the gearshift.

It was all Ironhide could do to suppress a groan. He couldn't stop the shiver that ran through his chassis nor his rising core temperature. He couldn't simply tell her to stop. What was he going to say? "Stop touching the gear shift, you're turning me on"? Frag no!

Sarah's other hand found the signal shift and the cruise control button at the end. One fingernail dragged over the indentions for the windshield wiper settings.

Ironhide couldn't help it. He shivered again and gave a quiet groan. It had really been too long since he had been with anyone and his body was reacting far too quickly for him to calm himself.

"Ironhide?" Sarah asked, suddenly realizing that the temperature in his cab was rising and he was shaking, "Are you ok?"

"Yeah." He managed to grind out. He really wanted to tell her to get her hands OFF him but still had no idea how to without damaging his pride and dignity beyond repair.

Concerned she sat up straighter. As she did do, her hands dragged off both shifts, fingernails dragging against him.

"SLAG!" Ironhide slammed on the brakes, sliding off into the grassy shoulder as sensors lit up his processor faster than a shot seekers aft, nearly making him scream out in arousal.

Sarah flew out of the cab as soon as he came to a complete stop, totally convinced Ironhide was sick or hurt. Seeing the black truck sitting there on the side of the road quivering with waves of heat shimmering from him only seemed to confirm her theory. Too concerned for his well being to question him as to just what was wrong, she pulled out her phone and called Ratchet.

Ironhide was only dimly aware of what she was doing, doing his absolute hardest to clamp down on his excited circuits and cooling his engine off. He heard her talking but as soon as he was in complete control again, he would reassure her that he was indeed ok.

"Alright, Hide…what happened?" Ratchet pinged in on the comm. line.

"Ratch…what?" Ironhide stuttered in horror, realizing what Sarah had just done. He couldn't exactly blame her but oh primus no…anyone but Ratchet. He would NEVER live this down, EVER!

"You know what? Just sit tight. I was on my way to give you your regular systems scan since you can't be bothered to come see me anyway." Ratchet said, "I can see you now."

No no no…Ironhide began rerouting and suppressing signals. Ratchet's scans were so acute that he could tell exactly what happened. Especially since he was still overheated and his circuits were still tingling.

The familiar tickle of a scan told him he was too late. He held perfectly still, hoping beyond hope that Ratchet wouldn't notice. PLEASE don't let him notice…

"Well?" Sarah asked the yellow hummer, worry scrunching her face, "What's wrong with him?"

Ratchet was silent a few seconds. Mistakenly, Sarah began thinking the worst…until the medibot burst out laughing. Unable to contain himself, he transformed and fell over, roaring hysterically. For his part, Ironhide groaned.

"My apologies…" Ratchet snorted when he could at last speak, "I can assure you. Nothing is wrong with Ironhide. Far from it. You were touching him before he went off the road?"

"Yeah I guess so. I have a tendency to start messing with whatever I'm holding when I start daydreaming." Sarah trailed off, her eyes going wide as realization hit her, "Oh no…I did NOT…"

"Oh yes you did." Ratchet chuckled, his rather evil smirk telling Ironhide that he was so screwed.

Ironhide groaned again. Primus hated him, he really did.

XxXxXx

A/N: LOVES AND HUGS TO ALL MY WONDERFUL FAVERS AND REVIEWERS! Good God I would have just chunked this otherwise without yalls lovin. I'm thinking on the other prompts but this time I'll leave the choice to you. For the next chapter, should I do sparkling!Ironhide or adult Ironhide? Review and leave your request!

I dunno about the rest of you but I do this all the time to my poor truck when I'm driving along or sitting at red lights. The tow button is indented so it's almost like the perfect worry stone. What's even better is that I got TWO because on the other side is the cruise control and it is also indented. Not only was it funny when DracinaStormsailor and I giggled insanely about this, but it was even more hilarious when my MOTHER and I started laughing hysterically over getting the truck hot and bothered by pressing buttons while we were driving to go look at colleges (she kept hitting the wrong button and turning the wipers on instead of the cruise control and I said she was giving my truck an orgasm. The state trooper we passed gave us a funny look.).


End file.
